Yesterday I gave you the first part of a list of things to do to scare away your blog readers… but some readers are just so persistent you might need a “Phase 2″ … so here are a few more hints & tips to kill them off!
Have a read of these “hints” … and once again be honest, how many of these things do YOU do on your blog?? If you are … time for a re-think!!
- Make them use their side-scroll. Use every single inch of space you have. Make sure your content goes to the very edge of the page. Make them put that side-scroll to work!
- Your website should be a Flash website. Flash websites are practically invisible to search engines. If the readers can’t find you, then they can’t read your content! How’s that for staying one step ahead!
- Ads, ads, ads! Flashing banner ads all over your site! Or, better yet, use pop-up ads—they’re an unforgettable classic for a reason.
- Write lots of copy over a large image. Combining “Wall o’ Text” with slow-to-load large images? It’s the best of both worlds!
- Make your site compatible with only one web-browser. Be sure to include an incredulous error message.
- Dizzying color combinations. Your text and your background should clash as much as possible. Make your reader squint as much as possible. Induce vomiting if you can. Might I suggest using neon yellow text on a hot pink background?
- Music. It doesn’t matter if it’s “good” or “bad,” just so long as it loops incessantly and is difficult (or impossible) for the visitor to turn off.
- Choose a hard-to-read font. If they’re going to insist on reading your content after all your efforts to deter them, then you might as well make it as hard to read as possible.
- Send daily automated e-mails. So, none of your attempts to banish readers from your website have worked, eh? Well, you’ll show them. You’ll give them SOMETHING TO READ. Every day, send them automated e-mails, filling their inbox with lengthy sales pitches and trivial nonsense. Waste their space and waste their time. That’ll teach them.
Readers. Who needs ‘em.
How do YOU like to piss off your visitors and customers?
We’re always looking for new methods of creating a terrible online experience. If you have a technique that you think we should try, we urge you to share it with us below in the comments.
Thanks again to Lauren R. Tharp, writing on Adam Warner’s blog, and to Adam tfor permitting to share for this laughter-inducing post with my readers.
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